Loneliness
by lwrnld
Summary: Peyton moved on...or did she? What is loneliness? What makes it and what can bring it to an end?
1. Loneliness

**Disclaimer:- I don't own anything from OTH. Of course if i did then we'd never have had Lindsay but hey it does make for interesting TV huh?**

**A/N this is just a shortish drabble i've been working on for a few days. not really sure if i'll take it further but if i get a few good reviews then i might do so if you like this then you know what to do dont-cha? Enjoy**

What is life like when you're alone? I don't mean just on your own with no one about but truly alone, no family nearby or at all, no friends at least no close ones who actually care about you and most of all no partner to make even the worst day brighten just by being there. Well to an extent I guess I can answer that question these days. You see despite still having at least one parent about unlike some people I know, loads of friends (well acquaintances anyways I can't shake that feeling of loneliness sometimes. Why? Now that's the story.

I once had someone I really loved. I said before that a partner makes even the worst day seem like a great one just by being there. He did that for me in spades. Hell he didn't even have to be in the room for him to make me happy he just had to be in my thoughts for me mouth to break into a huge grin. We'd fallen in love back in high school and despite a few bumps along the road we'd eventually gotten together until I moved across country for work stuff. I spent a year on the other side of the country to him and it just got too much for him. He showed up one day and proposed to me, not because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, well not only because of that but also because he didn't want to lose me and thought having a ring on my finger would mean he never would. When I said I wasn't quite ready for marriage then he gave up and left. I didn't hear from him for just over a year and then he called to invite me to a book signing he was doing, sorry did I not mention he was an author? Guess not, sorry about that, anyways where was I? Oh yeah...the book signing. He called me up out of the blue one day and asked me to come along. I t felt so good to hear his voice that day that I went, nervously and ready to run but I still went. When I got there I saw him kissing some beautiful woman (COW!!).

About that point my world kinda fell in and I ran without saying anything to him. I found out much later that they weren't together that night, that she was just his editor thanking him for allowing her to work with him, but back then I didn't know that. I just thought he planned to bring me along and show me what he'd replaced me with. It was another three years before I saw him again and that particular meeting didn't go all that well…not well at all. After a few months of tip-toeing about each other, arguing but not truly confronting the pain between us he stood up in church and said I do to the editor. Of course the night he'd proposed to her he'd kissed me and given me the impression he was going to break it off with her. Thankfully for her heart she'd seen the writing on the wall and told him quite politely that she wasn't going to marry him, not whilst his heart was still with me. He hit the wall after that…hard and eventually culminated his heart-break by getting drunk out of his mind and screaming at me that everything was my fault and that he hated me. I left town a couple of days later and moved in with my half-brother. I told myself that I would never go back home and until today I never have. I've lived my life, continued running my record label at least I have since I moved the headquarters down to Savannah to be near an old friend of mine. Actually not so much of an old friend but more of an old boyfriend. By the time I found him again he was with someone else and truthfully here it's probably for the best. They've been together now for twelve years and I don't think I've ever seen someone so happy as him.

So I talked about loneliness earlier and what did I mean? You see despite falling out with my old boyfriend and leaving town to be near my old friend I left the only other true friend I had ever had behind with no way of getting in touch with me. Although I have carved quite a successful career down in Savannah and this eventually led to her finding me again, by the time she did I'd changed so much that we just didn't work as friends anymore. So once again I'm alone. What's that you say? What about the old boyfriend I moved in near to? Yeah he's great and he's nearby but he's so wrapped up in his wife and three daughters that we've become little more than once or twice a week coffee and lunch buddies. My brother? He shipped out back to Iraq for one more tour of duty (he was a marine and a bloody good one) and never came home. My dad? He's still working away on his dredging projects around the world and we barely see each other for more than a couple of weeks a year at best. My other friends from school? We've just kinda drifted apart over the years. Sad I know but also just a fact of life for most people. I once used to say people always leave and I guess I was right wasn't I? Even someone with the kind of money I have now can be lonely, it aint a bad thing but it ain't exactly an easy thing either.

So why have I come home now I can hear you all thinking (clever aren't I?). I came home because I saw something in the New York post a couple of days ago and I had to return. Y'see a couple of days back I was sitting in my office idly reading the rest of the paper after I'd worked my way through the music section. I flicked through the literary section, just out of boredom I guess, and saw an article that made me choke on my non-fat latte. Yeah I know non-fat with my waist is kind of a waste but I like the flavour y'know. Anyways back to the article. **Bestselling Author loses whole family in explosion. **yeah it was my ex-love who'd lost everyone and even worse well for him anyways it wasn't just Lindsay who'd died (they must've gotten back together) but his kids and even worse, both for him and me, his mom. He literally had almost no one left and even though we hadn't spoken for almost eight years now I could still predict how he'd react. Anger. Pain. Denial. Drink himself into an early grave to try and join them. He always was slightly predictable. The article said it had been some kind of gas explosion at an old club called TRIC where they were having his sisters sweet sixteenth party. It talked of how he and his brother had been outside getting the presents in from their car and had burnt themselves badly trying to get back in to rescue their families. The article even mentioned when the funeral (well Karen's anyways) would be and I knew then that I had to go back for Karen's sake if for no one else's. Strangely the article said that Lindsay and his kids were being buried back in New York. Odd.

I called Jake and asked him if he'd seen the article as well and when he said he had I asked him if he wanted to go up for the funeral. I reckoned it would only be a one time thing. Y'know fly up, go to the funeral, stay a day or two at most and fly back. I guess I figured that as I'd been away for so long then no one would want me to stay long. Jake was ok with the idea of going up for a day or two and his wife said she'd look after the company for me for a few days. Sorry I forgot to mention that me and her work together, actually I see more of her outside of the office then I do of Jake and I've known him longer then I have her. Anyway you really shouldn't let me digress so much or this story will take forever. Focus people, I need it so keep me on track unless you want to spend the whole year sitting there. Now where was I? oh yeah I remember…the funeral.

Okay just let me digress here for a second. I know I said keep me focused but this little bit might clear up some confusion. I bet some of you out there are wondering at my sudden change of heart if I can put it that way. Why am I so keen to go up for a funeral of someone who I haven't even talked to for ten years. That's kind of hard to answer but I guess one of the reasons is Karen. She helped me so much over the years while I still lived in Tree Hill and I owe her an appearance at least. Another reason is I still care about Luke, he was my first true love and still despite all our difficulties holds a large slice of my heart. Thirdly I've been to enough funerals over the years that I know how to cope with them. Luke hasn't. Sure he went to Keith's a few years back but that killed him. I've had both my mom's, Keith's, Derek's a couple of other friends and sadly this has kind of meant I can cope well with funerals. Luke can't or at least he couldn't when I last saw him. And finally I think now I'm probably ready to reconnect with my old friends. I miss them. They were a big part of my growing up and I miss seeing them. It's taken a while and I reckon I'm ready for an attempt at some kind of reconciliation if you can call it that.

Jake and I booked a flight up for the day before the funeral and planned to fly back the day after reasoning that there would probably be some kind of wake afterwards and we really should show our faces. Plus he wanted to check in with his parents and I wanted to say hi to my moms, it'd been a while since I'd talked to them. Did I mention they're dead? The flight was like most flights are when you're taking them to something you're nervous about, long, boring and kinda nerve-racking. We'd hired a car together and booked into Tree Hill's only major hotel and as we arrived kinda early decided we'd take a wander about town and see what had changed before we headed over to Jakes mom's place for dinner. Kinda wish we hadn't done that as that walk brought us into contact with a couple of old friends Nate and Haley. And (surprise surprise) they weren't exactly happy to see me. Jake they were pretty cool with but me yeah there was a bit of tension there. Guess forgive and forget was kind of out of place at that moment huh? I wanted to ask them how Luke was doing but couldn't bring myself to say the words. Why not I hear you thinking? I did mention he was my major love didn't I? Thought so.

Haley and I talked uncomfortably for a while and Nate did his usual tactic, when he was angry and hurting, of throwing sarcastic and sniping comments in at the person he was angry with, me. After a short while of this when it became apparent that staying with them wasn't going to help matters much Jake and I said goodbye and headed over to his mom's. Now that particular meal was also kinda uncomfortable as Jake hadn't exactly told his mom who was coming with him and his mom immediately presumed (WRONGLY) that me and him were having some kind of affair behind his wife's back. Took us both a good half hour of talking to get out of that little misunderstanding. I reckon it was the annoyance of being thought a home-wrecker that made me head over to the cemetery after dinner instead of going as planned the next day after the funeral. I just needed to go somewhere where I wouldn't be immediately judged on sight.

I walked in and headed over towards my mom's grave and got a bit of a shock. There were fresh flowers there and the grass was neatly trimmed around it but the biggest shock was the blonde haired man kneeling down at my mom's headstone. It was Luke although why he was there I couldn't figure out.

I slipped behind a tree and listened (ok ok eavesdropped but rightly so, it was my moms grave but he looked like he was saying something important and I wasn't going to interrupt him) as he talked to mom. It was somehow reassuring to hear him talking to my mom as if she was his own. Guess he wasn't as broken up as I'd feared or at least he was handling things better than I thought he would. He knelt there for another ten minutes or so after I arrived before saying his goodbyes and standing up with his head bowed. Then he did something that truly surprised me. He called me over. Without turning his head he quietly said "Peyton. Stop hiding, I don't bite. Not today anyways. Bye Anna" and walked away over towards where Keith's grave lay without even turning his head. Somehow he'd known where I was hiding. Even more bizarre he'd called her Anna not Mrs Sawyer like he'd become friends with her. Strange.

I stepped out from behind my tree and watched as he knelt by Keith's grave before turning back to my mom's grave and sitting down. I talked with my mom for a few minutes but my eyes kept drifting over to where he sat by the other headstone and after a while I just stopped talking and watched him. When I saw him stand up and reach out to touch the headstone I quickly turned away and faced my mom's stone. It was funny. I actually felt like I was back in high school, watching the boy I'd fallen in love with but not wanting him to see me. I looked up under my eyelashes hoping to see him walking away only to see him staring over at me. Even at that distance I could see he looked like crap yet somehow still good. We held each others eyes for a few moments that felt like hours before he smiled and turned away, shoulders slumping as he walked off. What was that about I remember thinking as I said goodbye to mom and headed back to the hotel. After meeting Jake for a brief drink in the bar I headed up to bed my mind still churning after seeing Luke. It was stupid, I'd thought I was over him, totally past it and yet even after 10 years apart he could still make my head spin with a look.

The next morning Jake and I got dressed and after breakfast headed over to the church. You have no idea how much I wanted to take something from the mini-bar before I did. I know I said I can cope with funerals but suddenly I was real nervous. The two of us took a seat at the back of the church and watched as the coffin were carried in, followed by Luke and Lily. It was only as he passed closer to me this time that I could fully see the extent of the burns he'd received trying to save his family. Now I knew what I was looking for I could also see the extent of the injuries that Nate had as he slowly limped up to the lectern to say his peace. That boy sure had changed over the years as he actually managed to give quite a good speech finishing with a little poem that brought a tear to my eye.

"_The tears I feel today, I'll wait to shed tomorrow._

_Though I'll not sleep this night, Nor find surcease from sorrow._

_My eyes must keep their sight, I dare not be tearblinded._

_I must be free to talk, not choked with grief clearminded._

_My eyes cannot betray, the anguish that I know._

_Yes I'll keep my tears for later, though my grief will never go."_

As Nate walked down from the lectern he met my eyes and despite letting me know how angry he'd felt the day before he still managed to nod politely at me. He really had changed I guess. Luke followed him up and Nate whispered something to him on the way past. I slumped down a little further in my seat trying to hide but before I could get out of sight his eyes caught mine and a ghost of a smile flickered across his face before he looked down at his speech.

_Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. That although she never actually said so was the rule my mom lived her life by. She taught so many people over the years to follow that philosophy through her café and by taking in waif's and strays. I'm sure some of you know or know of Brooke Davis and Peyton Sawyer and I know you all know Haley and Nathan. Well my mom was at some point or other over the years a surrogate mother to them all. She even became surrogate mom to Lindsay after we split up (_HUH what did he say?)_ and made sure that Lindsay always felt included in our family. She told me once when I was a kid and we had some stupid argument about me being an only child that I wasn't. That I had a brother and three sisters and even if I was convinced that I was an only child she knew she was a mom of five. That was who she was. When Lindsay found out she was pregnant a few months after our failed wedding and got back in touch it was mom who helped me accept that although I was never going to marry Lindsay she was still going to be a big part of my life and she was. Even when a couple of years back we found out that the twins weren't mine (biologically anyway) she helped me forgive Lindsay and never treated the two kids any different because of that. You see my mom was all about forgiveness and she taught everyone we came into contact with that. Sure she had her faults but she never let go of her own beliefs. Karen Roe was a wonderful woman and anyone who knew her was lucky for that. Those people who she loved were luckier though because we got to share in her life. She gave me my little sister who sadly can't be here today as she's still in hospital. She gave me my values and brought me in contact with the people who I love. There can never be another person to replace her and although she's now gone I'm comforted to know that she's with her only major love, other than me of course, my uncle Keith. Somewhere I know she's watching me right now, probably chuckling at me for going on like this, holding a cup of coffee and laughing with Keith at all of us. So Mom, wherever you are, I…we are always going to miss you but we'll see you soon and I'll always try to remember the lessons you taught me…to always forgive before getting angry with someone, to always let those you love know how important they are in you life and lastly and most importantly to always use fresh filters when making the coffee. Now before we leave to bury my mom I'd like to ask anyone here today if they would like to say anything. I know some of you have good memories of my mom and I'm sure we'd all like to hear them._

"Another typical Lucas Scott speech. Heart-warming, loving and somehow humorous. Karen did a good job with him… mostly. What am I thinking? Luke and I are in the past. I'm here to show my respect and love for Karen. Nothing else. Wait what was that last bit?" I looked over at Jake and he nodded to say he wanted to say something, I reckoned I agreed with him and tried to think of something I could say. After Jake had gone up and said his piece I wanted to go up but I couldn't think of something to say so I just sat there as various people said their piece before we all trailed outside and watched Karen's coffin being lowered down into the ground.

As people began drifting away, heading back to Luke's house for the inevitable wake I found myself closer to the front of the group. After a while there were only five people standing there by the grave…Haley, Nathan, Myself, Jake and Lucas. Almost all of the old gang. Just Brooke missing. Actually I'd expected to see her here but I couldn't remember actually doing so. The five of us stood there for a few minutes, Nate shooting irritated glances at me and Haley worried ones between Luke and I. Nobody said anything. It was actually kind of nice, if a funeral can be nice. For the first time in years I felt wanted in a group for just who I was despite the angry looks Nate kept shooting me. Eventually Jake and I turned away and walked slowly out of the cemetery. We'd talked the day before on the flight up and come to the decision that we would pop in to the wake for a short while but not for long. It wasn't our place anymore and we did have an early flight out the next morning.

I stood against a wall at Luke's house watching as Jake chatted with a couple of the old guys from the river court about their respective families. It was strange, the last time I'd been in this house was to pour Luke into his bed the night he'd screamed at me whilst drunk and it hadn't changed all that much in the intervening years. I remember watching as Luke walked into the room, taking commiserations on one hand and comforting people with the other hand. I turned away slightly in the hope he wouldn't see me although I did still want to ask him why he had been at my mom's grave talking to her and using her first name. It didn't exactly work though as I turned directly towards Haley who looked at me sadly (a typical Haley look) and asked quietly "why did you leave Peyton? No, scratch that, I know why you left but why have you never got in contact over the years? Did you not think we'd miss you?"

I stood there dumbfounded looking at her for a few seconds before turning to walk away from a question I wasn't prepared to answer and walked straight into a brick wall with the most intense blue eyes I'd ever seen.

Wait a moment here. I know I said I was over him but any of you who've ever SEEN Lucas will agree with me here. He may be hitting thirty-something now but he still looks pretty good. And the thing with the eyes? Have you ever looked into them? Yeah? Then you know what I mean. Anyways where was I…Oh yeah walking into a brick wall!

I looked up into his eyes and panicked. It may've been ten years since we'd last seen each other, well at this kind of range anyways, but he still managed to knock me sideways. Guess I wasn't as over him as I thought I was huh? I can't've stood there for long before I could speak again but it felt like an eternity and yet like a millisecond. (Sorry I know that's confusing but hey I'm just telling it like it is here. You don't like it…don't listen!) I stammered out some kind of comforting comment and tried to beat a quick retreat. Just that few seconds looking up at him had thrown me totally. I had to get out of there before I said or did something REALLY stupid. Unfortunately Lucas had the same questions as Haley did and he followed me outside. I stood there on his back porch and lit up a cigarette (Don't judge me here…you walk into someone you thought you were over and realise that you're actually not and then talk to me) with shaky hands. Well actually I should say tried because just as I finally managed to get the lighter to work a hand came past my eyes and took the cigarette from my lips, lit it and placed it gently back. I looked up to see Lucas smiling at me as he retreated back a bit and lit up a cigarette of his own.

"It's been a while blondie. How've you been doing?" he drawled through a cloud of smoke. "Don't worry too much about Haley. She always treated Mom like a step-mom and she ain't dealing too well with this y'know." I looked askance at him as he said this, surprised to see him joking about losing his mom. What had happened to him, he never used to cope well with loss, why'd he changed? The sound of his voice dragged me out of my thoughts "Surprised I'm not falling apart as well huh? Thought you'd show up for mom's funeral and I'd be a wreck? I learnt to cope with things a few years back. I'm hurting yeah but I can't fall apart, Lils needs me right now. So do Hales and Nate. So, sorry to disappoint you Peyt, but I don't need you to pick me up off the floor." He smiled gently at me and threw his cigarette stub into a well-used plant-pot/ashtray as he turned to walk back inside the house.

It was only as he reached the door and put his hand on the handle that I managed to speak, "Is that why you think I'm back Luke? No. I'm here for Karen and no other reason (well it was mostly true) I'm only here for the day. I fly home tomorrow, back to my life. I mean it ain't like there's much left for me in this town anymore is it? Don't get me wrong I'm glad to hear you are coping well with your mom's death let alone the loss of your kids and your…whatever Lindsay was to you, but I stopped caring about how you feel the night you told me you hated me. I'll see you around Lucas, next time I swing through town…if I ever do again. Tell Nate to look me up if he wants though I'll understand if he doesn't. Again I'm sorry for your loss but goodbye Luke. Be well." After throwing all that out in the space of a few seconds I realised that I'd moved closer to him and not wanting him to get any wrong ideas I reached past him and pushed open the door entering the house and looking about for Jake. Spotting him I moved over and told him I was out of there, bless him he immediately put down his drink and came out after me. We headed back to the hotel in silence, Jake somehow knowing that I didn't want to talk about whatever had happened to me at Luke's house. After a sleepless night spent tossing and turning I met Jake for breakfast and we flew back home, him to his wife and kids and me to my empty apartment.

That was almost a month ago and since then I've settled back into my empty yet busy life like nothing had happened. I've had no contact with anyone from my former home and the strange thing is I actually am a little sad about that. I mean sure I spent ten years away from them all but seeing Nate and Hales reminded me why I loved them once. Just a shame they don't feel the same way or at least they don't seem able to put the past behind them and try again. Ok I know that's a little pot calling the kettle black there but stubborn pride is a little hard for anyone to get past, let alone a girl with the kind of deep-set issues I have.

I started off talking at the start of this little story about loneliness and I've come to a conclusion over the last month. What is it I hear you ask? Simply put it's this…Loneliness sucks alright but sometimes it's the only real answer to a problem without an answer. Thing is this isn't one of those times. I know there's still a lot of answers out there to be found if I want to look for them and I think I have to y'know. I want, no, need to know why Luke was talking to my mom like he knew her, I need to know where Luke is in his head because I can't believe he's really ok with how things are going. I guess going back to Tree Hill even for that one weekend showed me that I really am lonely and the only way I'm ever going to become un-lonely (new word I know but it sounds cool though don't-cha think?) is to check back into Tree Hill and see how things go. So I guess I'm moving back home Jenny I just thought you should know why I left. Tell your dad hi and explain things to him because I don't think he'll understand if I try to explain it to him myself, it took him long enough to understand why I had to go back for the funeral. Tell your mom that the company's hers for the next few months and I'm sorry for leaving this to her. And one last thing sweetheart, if you ever feel like you're lonely...step back, look at your life, find the place where you're happy and complete and move heaven and earth to get back there again. By the way if your dad or mom don't really believe you about this then show them this letter. My cell's going to be off for a few days so I'll be out of reach for a week or so.

See you soon

Love always,

Peyton.

**A/N - Well there you go. If you enjoyed it or even if you didn't then you know what to do don't ya. For those who don't know heres a wee clue:- Look down the screen a bit then look at the little button that says review. Getting the hint? bye for now. Lee**


	2. Reconnecting

**Disclaimer:- sadly I don't own anything in Tree hill. **

**A/N so I decided to write a little more to this. I've had it on my computer for a week or so now but my internet connection's been down so you've had to wait for a while. BTW if you like this or even if you don't PLEASE review. I know most people say this but it really does keep authors writing and more importantly improving their writing. Anyways hope you all enjoy this.**

Hey girlie so I've been here for a week now and it's kinda strange y'know. On the one hand it's like coming home again after a long journey, just walking into town, seeing everywhere. All the places I grew up with, most of them are still there with no major differences. All the places I used to hang out at, either on my own, with Brooke and Nathan or later on with Haley, Luke and your Dad are still about, the record store, the bridge, the river court, the pier the beach there hasn't been much change in most of them y'know. The weird thing is though after being away for so long it's like everything is new to me. Although not all that much has really changed around town it just feels like everything is new to me like being able to hear again after going to a heavy meal concert everything sounds so fresh. So anyways before I get to telling you how things have been going for me this last week how's your dad and your mom? Y'know I was kinda surprised that I only got 45 voicemails from your dad. I'd kinda expected to turn my phone back on and find my inbox melting down with angry/worried messages. Is your mom coping with everything at the office ok? I hope so because as yet I ain't too sure exactly when I'll be back down…if at all.

So I'm guessing if you're anything like your dad and I know you are then you're probably shouting at me now to stop gabbling and tell you about how things are back here and not just the town but my old friends. See now well that's the thing I've only actually spoken to Haley this last week. I still haven't had the courage to approach Nate yet let alone go near Luke. So I arrived back in town a week ago as I said having found a little place to rent out near where Nate's old apartment was. The main reason I aimed for that side of town was because I know that the rest of my old friends live on the other side of town and living there lowered my chances of running into them before I was ready to tell them I was home. After a day of furious unpacking and painting (my walls were bright yellow yeeucch! Had to repaint that!) I took a few deep breaths and headed over to the high school. I knew that with the basketball season over my chances of running into Nate or Luke were slim but I was guessing that Haley still worked at the school. That girl always was meant for teaching, even if she does fly off the handle a bit too much for my liking, and somehow her leaving Tree Hill high doesn't seem like something that's likely to happen all that much.

Anyways I slipped into the school and couldn't actually remember where her classroom was. I actually ended up having to head over to the school office and asking someone there which room she was in these days. By sheer chance I arrived at her classroom just as the bell was ringing and her class was preparing to leave. Well not that much by chance I hung around in the quad outside until just before the bell was due. I wanted to see Haley but on her own not surrounded by a bunch of high schoolers. I remember what we were like back then and I know what you're like and didn't want to have face the gauntlet of "who's that? What's she wearing?" and other snide whispered comments. I knocked on her door as the last of her students walked out desperately hoping she would at least hear me out and not scream at me to leave. Well you never know with Haley how she's going to react and despite her saying she'd missed me while I was gone I still didn't know how she would handle seeing me turn up on her doorstep so-to-speak.

Haley looked up at my tentative knock and, surprisingly to me, smiled at seeing me. "I wondered how long it would take you to seek me out Peyton." She said looking back down as she finished packing her bag. "You've been back a couple of days right? And you couldn't face speaking to Nate or Luke yet either so you came to me first hoping I would at least hear you out without getting angry. Am I close, huh?" I must have shown the level of shock on my face as she read my mind because she laughed and walking over to me took my hand and said "I always was the smart one of us Peyton. Plus I was out dropping off James at one of his mates homes yesterday and saw you as I drove past. Figured you'd come by sooner or later to see me. I am the easier option to face right?" As she talked she dragged me out of the classroom and over towards the canteen.

It was strange walking through my old school with her. The last time I'd been back here I'd ended up locked in the library with Haley, Brooke, Lindsay and my first real success story Mia. Other than that one time I hadn't actually stepped into any other part of the school than the gym for almost fourteen and a half years. Yet walking through those old corridors it felt like only yesterday I'd been a freshman here when my only worries had been what party I was going to that night. Haley walked me into the cafeteria and after buying me lunch almost pushed me over to a corner table and set our tray down firmly. I guess now she wanted to talk and I mentally started preparing myself for her questions.

"So..How's Jake doing then? I always wondered if that's were you had ended up when you left. Brooke told us a couple of years back that you were happy but that's the only news we've had of you in ten years so you've got ten years of gossip to fill me in on girlie" she babbled as she started to open up her sandwich. Damn that girl could really babble when she wanted to. Surprisingly though she hadn't asked any of the questions I'd prepared for. Of course knowing Hales as I once had I knew that this was her way of being subtle.

Ok I don't know how much your Dad has told you of Hales or indeed of any of the people we both grew up with back here in Tree Hill but Haley is a surprisingly complex person. Sometimes when you expect her to be understanding and caring she bullies her way through things and yet at times when you expect her to give you the tongue lashing from hell she tiptoes around the edge of the subject. From what she'd said at Karen's funeral I'd half (ok mostly) expected her to start demanding answers as to why I'd left and not gotten back into touch before now and yet she wasn't pushing. Skills (another old friend, think a short version of Chris Rock except good looking) once said that Luke was the person that kept us all glued together yet I've always felt that it was Hales who kept us a group. She tempered the impetuousness of Nathan and Brooke a little, brought Luke out of his broody self and overrode my tendency to brood and blame myself for things by sheer-persistent-stubborn ignoring me moods (that only works for her so don't even think of trying it Jenny-girl. It'll only get you a clipped ear) Haley was the one person who had a connection to all of us and frequently used it to play peacemaker. She was Nates wife, Brookes calming friend, Lukes confidant and my version of human caffeine (makes you hyper and brings you out of your depression). The things is despite all of this complexity Haley could at times be so predictable and from the moment she mentioned your dad I knew that this was going to be one of those conversations where she skirted around the edge of things and expected me to fill in the blanks. Amazing though she was she REALLY couldn't do subtle at times. Anyways where was I? oh yeah her way of being subtle.

Sitting there looking at Haley I tried to decide how I was gong to answer the question she'd asked (about your dad…keep up here) and those she hadn't. For the first time in a long time I decided to answer the hidden questions first and began explaining where I'd been and why I hadn't been in touch for all this time. Haley sat quietly as I talked, nodding sympathetically at times and at others shaking her head amusedly as I described everything but why I'd returned. The glint of amusement in her eyes told me that I hadn't answered all of her questions but I'd answered enough to keep her boundless curiosity at bay for a little while.

As I finished talking I realised that the cafeteria had emptied out of everyone bar the cleaner and they were looking at us askance I glanced at my watch and it was almost half-past 2. Lunchtime had finished almost an hour and a half ago and I'd been talking for almost two hours. Yowch no wonder my throat felt dry. Wait had I kept Haley away from her classes all afternoon. Had I got her in trouble with Turner? Haley smiled as I realised the time and quietly said "It's okay Peyton. I've no classes this afternoon and I was only going to spend the afternoon doing some prep work for next week. Nothing that couldn't keep a few hours. I think you needed to tell me as much as you did or you wouldn't have said a word. So where are we now" She pointed at me and back to herself but before I could speak she continued "We're friends blondie. As to my husband and brother-in-law? I'll let them make up their own minds about you but you really should talk to them soon."

"I will" I replied sadly, looking down at the floor worriedly at the thought of talking to Nate and Luke. "I've just got to prepare for it first. Can you not tell them I'm back in town just yet. Don't lie to them" I added quickly as Haley pulled herself upright sharply "just don't bring the subject up unless they ask. Please. I'm not ready to see them right now, not after how Nate was at Karens funeral and how I spoke to Luke last time I saw him. Soon I promise"

Haley nodded, calming down slightly as I spoke, and sat for a moment before speaking again. "I won't say anything…for now. But you've only got a week Peyton. If they haven't found out you're back or you haven't spoken to them by Sunday I am going to tell them. I don't mean to upset you or scare you away again but I also know if I leave you alone completely you'll go months avoiding them and not saying anything. I refuse to lie, either by omission or directly, past Sunday." She stood up with that last phrase and walked over towards the garbage cans. "by the way Peyton. It's nice to see you again. Call me if you want to get together. My numbers on the card on your tray. I'll see you soon."

I guess that Haley had finally learnt how to be subtle, and how to move fast because as I turned around surprised to look for that card and, after finding it, turned back rather quickly to see the cafeteria door closing behind her. I stood up and left the cafeteria my head spinning in circles of happiness and fear. Happiness at having one of my old friends back in my life and fear at having a deadline of when to talk to Nathan and Luke. Honestly I came very close to getting on a plane and fleeing back to Savannah where at least I knew I'd be safe…Alone but safe.

I took me a few minutes to find my way out of the school grounds and as it was starting to get a little late I headed over to the cemetery to say hi to my mom before heading back to my small flat and getting some dinner. As I pulled up towards the cemetery I saw Luke's old mustang pulling out of the gates and that reminded me. Why exactly had he been talking to my mom like he knew her. I guess that's a question I was going to have to ask him…once I'd managed to prepare myself for speaking to him again. Thinking on that question I parked up and wandered up the pathway towards moms grave. Funny thing was though when I arrived at moms grave site I found it tidy and fresh flowers sitting on the headstone. I knew that Tree Hill cemetery never used to have much of a gardening service and I somehow didn't see that changing in the years since I'd moved away so who was tidying moms grave? Surely it couldn't have been Luke could it? I mean I know I caught him talking to mom like they were old friends or something but surely he doesn't come up here to chat to her regular enough that he feel like he has to clean up as well.

After spending an hour or three talking to mom, catching her up with how my life had gone y'know where I was, why I was home again (and for longer than the last visit I'd made), I headed back to the apartment and grabbed some dinner before crashing out my mind still whirling around in circles over everything I'd done that day. I took me a long time to actually get to sleep that night and the dreams I had were really weird y'know. Some of them where...actually maybe I'd better not tell you about them ones…girls gotta keep some secrets even from those closest to us. Ha bet you thought I was gonna tell you about dodgy dreams there huh…I'm not that dumb jenny-girl!

The week since hasn't exactly been short but other than seeing Haley a couple of times more for lunch and preparing to speak to the two men I walked away from all those years ago I haven't really done much else. Hales reminded me every time we've met up that I'd only got until Sunday to speak to them and when I finally asked her why Sunday she looked at me funny and said "Luke's coming over for dinner on Sunday night, him and Lils. If you haven't said anything by then I'm going to talk to them both at the same time. Might as well take advantage of the post-dinner coffee-chat opportunity huh?" she grinned at me cheekily knowing exactly how much pressure this put on me and how much I hate being under a lot of pressure.

Haley mentioning that everyone would be together on Sunday evening for dinner gave me an idea of how to let both of the guys know I'm back in town and in a place and time when they couldn't shout at me too much. There'd be two youngish kids there so I knew (or at least hoped) that they wouldn't be able to get too angry with me. Plus it would be good to see James again and Lily of course. I wonder if they remember me at all or has the last ten years away meant they've forgotten all about me, if I'm just someone in an old picture to them.

So I guess I'd best get going for now Jen. I need to get ready for dinner. By the way don't tell me you haven't guessed my plan by now? I 'm heading over to Haley's place in about twenty minutes to interrupt dinner. She doesn't know I'm coming over either. Haley never was the best actress and me turning up when she doesn't expect me to should surprise her enough that the guys'll not think she knew about me being back in town. I need to keep one ally and I know if they find out too soon and put Hales under pressure to choose between them and me she'll choose them. Every time not that I blame her of course. If I turn up all unexpectedly then hopefully her surprise at seeing me will look enough like real surprise at me being there to fool Luke and Nathan. I hope so anyways.

Take care of yourself for now Jenny-girl. Wish me luck, I think I might need it. I'll write to ya again soon or maybe call ya and let you know how things went. Give my love to your dad sweetheart and ask him to stop worrying so much. It's flattering and all but I'm fine for now. If anything changes I'll call him so can he not leave so many messages on my voicemail.

Bye

Peyton.

P.S. Can you ask your mom to go into my desk at work and get the red wooden box out and ship it up to me. She knows which one I mean. And Jen, don't look in it or let your dad see inside it. If you really want to see inside then I'll tell you about it sometime but not just now ok? Tell your mom to send it up to Tree Hill post office c/o Peyton Sawyer and I'll pick it up there. Thanks. P.

**So there you have it and if you haven't guessed I'm probably going to write most of this story in letter form with Peyton sending the letters to Jenny or to Jake. Why? Because it seems like an interesting way to do it for one and for another reason I haven't seen this done much so wanted to try it out. Anyways as said before PLEASE REVIEW**


	3. Face off

Disclaimer: - sadly I don't own anything in Tree hill

**Disclaimer: - sadly I don't own anything in Tree hill. **

**A/N so I don't yet know exactly how long this wee tale is going to be. I know most of what I want to cover and I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to finish off I'm just not so sure exactly how long it'll take me to get there. To those of you who reviewed last chapter THANK YOU and to those who didn't but still read it the same applies although I would really like it if you did review.**

So it's been a while since I last wrote to you huh? If I'm not wrong you've probably been climbing the walls and yelling at your dad that you need to come up here to find out if I'm ok. I remember you doing that a few years back when I took that month off to get my head together after Derek died. Strange how it doesn't hurt to talk about that anymore. There was a time when it hurt so much to talk about losing him, losing the brother that I'd only known for a few years but who I'd come to love like I'd had him around for all my life, that I'd avoid the subject like the plague. But the weird thing is since coming back to Tree Hill thinking about Derek doesn't hurt so much. Maybe it's because here is somewhere where I never really knew him or where he wasn't a major part of my world. It still hurts, not having him about I mean, but it's somehow easier to cope without him. Anyways how did I get onto that subject again. Really Jenny you have got to do a better job of keeping my mind on track here, you know what I'm like about wandering off on a tangent. You'd think after knowing me for so long you'd be able to keep me focused…only joking kiddo I know it's me writing this and not talking to you where you can keep me on track but I can still tease you though girlie. Someone once told me we always tease those we love the most, that's probably why I give your dad so much grief at times but you don't have to tell him I said that. Or your mom. Actually especially not your mom, she still finds it hard to accept how much history there is between me and Jake so I really don't want to freak her out too much especially as she's the one keeping the money coming in. If I upset her too much I might end up running out of money pretty quickly. Anyways back to what's been happening with me recently.

So the last time I wrote you I said I was heading out to speak to Luke and Nate. I know what you're thinking…"she wimped out". Am I right? Thought so. Well just for once missie you'd be wrong. Oh don't get me wrong I thought about it…A LOT…but I know that there comes a time where you just have to face up to what scares you or else you'll be running for ever. Plus I had a few questions of my own for Luke. As you know he's been going up to see my mom. I've caught him there the once but I reckon he's been there quite a few time judging by how familiar he sounded when he was talking to my mom. And I REALLY wanted to talk to Nate again. I don't think I realised until I came up here with your dad for Karen's funeral just how much I missed him and I'd give anything to have him back again. So just for once I broke my own unwritten rule and DIDN'T run away from the emotionally hard confrontations. I know, shocker huh? Guess I'm finally growing up…well a little bit anyways. So like I said I headed over there to try to surprise them all at dinner, hoping that with Jamie and Lily there at least anything they had to say to me would stay at least polite, probably heavily sarcastically polite but polite nonetheless.

I parked up just out the back of Haley and Nathans place and spent a few minutes doing my usual nervous, pre-important meeting thing. You know what I mean, you saw me before I met up with that band manager last year, that whole deal where I clutch tightly onto the steering wheel and try desperately to convince myself that I don't need to do what I know I need to do. Needless to say I failed, although I should be used o losing that particular argument. I have been losing it one way or another for almost sixteen years now. Of course you'd think by now I'd have learnt not to try but what can I say? I guess I'm just a slow learner at times. I'll tell you something though. If I thought just getting to their house was hard then I definitely hadn't fully thought about getting up to the door. Now that really was hard. You've heard the phrase two steps forward, one step back? That literally was the case Sunday before last. It took me almost 15 minutes to walk up the 40 foot-long drive and another 10 minutes to actually ring the doorbell.

I don't know who I'd expected to answer the door, maybe the nanny or some kind of maid but I tell you I nearly turned and ran away when I heard Luke shout that he would find out who it was at the door, and send them away if it wasn't important. I almost turned and ran and I honestly think that if I'd had more time I might have but he opened the door before could do more than take a half-step backwards. The look on his face was priceless though. Shock doesn't come close to how he looked. You remember that old _Friends_ episode where Chandler finds out he's getting twins not just the one child? Remember the look on his face as the doctor said "the other one'll be along in a minute." Well that's exactly how Luke looked for a moment, a very long moment might I add. Thankfully it was just long enough for me to regain my own composure and stepping forward I said as confidently as I could (not all that confidently I might add but hopefully he wouldn't pick up on it) "So am I important enough to come in or are you just gonna send me away then?". I know, I know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but you know what I'm like when I'm stressed, I revert to being the sarcastic and bitchy girl I was back in high school.

I don't think I've ever seen someone look more stunned than he did then and I honestly believe that if Haley hadn't looked down the corridor to see what was keeping Luke then we would probably still have been standing there when the mailman came by the next morning. She also looked a little surprised but she recovered quicker than Luke and somewhat ruefully invited me in. I guess she'd thought I wouldn't have the courage to come to see the boys. Normally she'd have been correct (Ask your dad and he'll tell you she usually almost always is) but for once I was feeling brave and I definitely needed to continue on with my plan of facing the two of them before my rising terror overwhelmed me. I smiled at her and walking past the still dumbstruck, but quickly recovering, Lucas walked into the house I hadn't stepped foot in for over ten years. Winking at Haley once I knew Luke couldn't see me anymore I mouthed_ Nate _and she nodded her head over her shoulder towards where the dining room used to be, actually I guess I should say still is because it hadn't actually changed since I'd last seen it. Walking around the corner of the hallway I met Nates eyes as he half-stood half-sat, obviously halfway between sitting and going to see who was at the door that was keeping Luke from dinner.

I'd thought it was hard seeing Luke at the door but the look of pain that flicked across Nate's face before he frowned angrily REALLY hurt. I hadn't seen that look of pain since junior year when Hales had left to go on tour with that skank, Keller (ask your Dad about that, it still gives me a headache to think of him). He opened his mouth, probably to say something cutting and sarcastic (he was good at that after all he had been taught by the best…Brooke Davis and, of course, me) but Haley interrupted him before he could really say anything. "What are you doing here Peyton? Apart from Karen's funeral we haven't seen you in over ten years. What's going on?"

Thank god for that girl's brains! Somehow between seeing me at the door and me walking into the dining room Haley had managed to figure out that I hadn't told her I'd be coming over so that she'd be surprised and her relationship with the two men wouldn't be affected. She'd not only managed to figure all that out in ten seconds but also find the only thing that she could say that would probably give me enough of an opening to say what I had to say before either Nate or Luke threw me out. Bless that girl's parents for teaching her so much and for raising such a smart girl.

"I'm back in town. For good hopefully or at least long enough to see if there is anything left for me here." I said as calmly as I could. "As to specifically why I've come over here tonight. I missed you. All of you. I was hoping that maybe we could talk. I know I've a few things to say to you all and hopefully they'll help explain why I've been away for so long. And although you probably think I've got a nerve showing up here like this I've got a few questions for you guys also, especially you Luke." I leant on the doorway as I finished talking and calmly (at least outwardly) waited for a response. Nate sat there wavering somewhere between angry, confused and curious and Luke? He looked up at me his gorgeous blue eyes showing his confusion at my words.

Ok let me just hold there for a second. I know I just described Luke's eyes as gorgeous but have you ever looked into those eyes? No, of course you haven't, silly question there. But I'll tell you this Jenny-girl. If you ever had looked into those eyes you'd know exactly why I describe them in that way. I mean Luke's a pretty handsome guy but the two things that I always loved about him most were his heart and those beautiful azure windows in the middle of his face. I say windows because like windows they are sometimes closed off allowing nothing to escape them but are sometimes open allowing just for a moment or two a glimpse into the most amazing soul I've ever met. Believe me when I say that gorgeous is one of a thousand words that I could use to describe Luke's eyes and probably the mildest one at that.

I leant against that doorway for almost five minutes while I waited for some kind of reply to my statement. I'm still not sure exactly what I was looking for, whether I wanted them to hug me tightly and invite me back in or to stand up and shove me out of the house but I waited nonetheless. Haley sat there quietly looking between the two guys and me worriedly but at least she didn't say anything. I mean it would've been nice if she did but I guess she didn't want to betray the fact that she'd known I was back to them before she knew how they would react. Y'know something Jenny-girl even after all these years away it was kinda funny to see their reactions were just as predictable as ever. Nate sat there, visibly fuming, clearly interested in why I was back but unable to say anything for fear of looking foolish for changing his mind, and Luke just looked at me questioningly and yet worriedly. I could almost read Luke's thoughts at that moment and it was clear that he was interested also but kinda worried about what I meant when I said "especially you Luke". If it hadn't been such a serious moment I honestly think I'd have burst out laughing.

Surprisingly though it was Jamie who spoke first. I think I'd forgotten he was there because when he spoke up I actually jumped a little bit. Looking over at him it was clear just whose son he was because he looked exactly like Nate had at that age just with Haley's eyes and hair colouring. His words shook me though, I mean I knew even ten years ago that he was extraordinarily perceptive but he'd obviously grown even more so as he grew up.

"Peyton. Aunt Peyton? It's been a long time since I saw you." He said quietly, "but y'know something though aunt Peyton (if I can still call you that) it doesn't matter what you say about why you're back. You and I both know that Dad and Uncle Luke won't be ready to forgive and forget just yet, especially Dad. Thing is though I think we all need to hear it and I guess you also need to say it, right? So why don't you take a seat, I'll get you a glass of wine and the yelling can start as soon as you've said what you came here to say." Jamie smiled at me and in that moment I realised just how much of his growing up I had missed by leaving town all those years and not keeping in contact with them all.

I took his advice though and sat down as he poured me a glass and carried it over carefully. As he handed it to me he leant in and whispered quietly "by the way, I know you and mom have been meeting up this week but don't worry….I'm a much better actor than she is and I'll not say anything about it if you don't want me to." Pulling away with a cheeky grin he pulled Lily out of her chair carefully and the two of them walked out of the dining room. Of course being Haley's son he couldn't resist one final word as he left "Now please don't kill each other you guys, blood can be so hard to get out of the carpet at times" he called over his shoulder has he ducked around the corner into the lounge.

The four of us sat there around that table and just looked at each other unsure whether to laugh at his parting comment or to start talking. After a moment I leant forward and, putting the glass down on the table, began to talk. It took me almost an hour to explain to my former best friends and, in the case of two of them, lovers exactly why I had cut all ties to them over the last ten years and why despite what I'd said to Luke at his moms funeral I was back. As I stopped talking I realised that at some point during my tale I'd began crying because, looking up at the others, I could barely see them through the tears. At that point Haley stood up and walking over to me enfolded me into her arms, pulling my head onto her shoulders.

From the way I felt her body turn I guess she looked over at the two of them as she stated firmly "I knew telling you that I was going to tell them about you would bring you over here tonight. Yes Luke, Nathan I knew Peyton was back in town. We've met up for coffee a couple of times this week and I knew that if I didn't lie to her then she would never talk to you two and she'd end up slinking out of town again and I wasn't willing to allow that to happen, not again."

Yet again Haley managed to surprise me. Not only in what she said but that she could say all that without pausing for a breath or without stopping her gentle strokes on my hair and arms. After lying in her comfortable embrace for a little while longer I stood up. Looking over at the two guys, who were looking stunned at Hales I said, almost in a whisper, "I'm sorry for cutting you all out of my life for as long as I have. People always leave right? It's just this time it was me leaving. I've still a lot of questions for you both but I reckon leaving now is probably the best idea. For all of us. Hales has my cell number if you want to talk to me again. I'll be here. I'm not running again. I'm home now and I'm staying." I turned away from their eyes and nodding gratefully to Haley and Jamie, who was leaning casually against the doorway with his arm draped easily across Lily's shoulder listening to everything, I headed for the door, pulling my keys out of my pocket as I walked.

I looked over my shoulder as I closed their door and met Nathans stare briefly. His eyes weren't as full of anger as they had been earlier and he nodded shortly at me. Climbing into my car I felt a little of that wonderful thing, hope. Believe me when I tell you this Jen there is nothing as reassuring as a rush of hope. Nothing at all.

Since that Sunday I've spent most of my time wandering around the town or sketching. I've run into both Nate and Luke a couple of times and things have been civil which is a start I guess. We're nowhere near back to where we were ten years ago but we're on the right track. I still haven't been able to grab Luke for a proper talk to ask him why he's been going up to see my mom though.

On that note I forgot to tell you. It's definitely him who's been coming by my mom's grave. I've caught him the last few days at pretty much the same time each day coming away from her grave. I even tailed him yesterday as he arrived at the cemetery and he spent ten minute with Keith and his mom and then wandered over to my mom's grave and spent another ten minutes there. He didn't just spend the time with them all talking to them. He tidied up their gravesites, pulled a few weeds from around the headstones, changed the flowers and brushed off the top of the headstones. I reckon if I want to actually talk to him abut this I should probably talk to him there.

By the way tell your mom thanks for sending up that box. I reckon some of it's contents could come in useful over the next few days, especially if I'm gonna talk to Lucas. And don't worry shortstuff I'll tell you what I've got in that box next time I write to you. I'll try not to leave it so long before my next note Jenny if only to save your dads poor ears (Don't tell him that of course, you know he'll only start with his "I told you so's") So anyways gotta go now. I reckon I've bored you with my adventures enough for one day huh?

All my love girlie,

Peyton

**A/N so there it is, chapter 3 is up for your perusal and hopefully reviewage. Just one thing to add in case you all haven't guessed by now but Naley still have only the one child (Jamie).For those of you who are probably sitting cursing me under your breath at the lack of Leyton interaction in this chapter there will be some more next one. One question for you all though. Should I bring Brooke back into this or just keep it as Naley/Leyton? I value your advice and of course I love to get your reviews. **


	4. Brainfart

**Disclaimer: - sadly I don't own anything in Tree hill. **

**A/N so I don't yet know exactly how long this wee tale is going to be. I know most of what I want to cover and I've got a pretty good idea of where I want to finish off I'm just not so sure exactly how long it'll take me to get there. To those of you who reviewed last chapter THANK YOU and to those who didn't but still read it the same applies although I would really like it if you did review**

Hey Jenny girl. So how's life treating you these days down in Savannah huh? School going well is it? I hope your life is going easier than mine is right now. It's been a long week since I last wrote to you and not an easy one either. Where do I start then? Well like your dad always said it's probably best to start with the worst of it and move to the best parts so here goes.

So last time we spoke I said I was going to try to confront Luke and find out why he's been visiting my mom and why he talks to her as friendly as he does. Well I did that alright and it was an interesting meeting. I took a stroll down town a few days back, not actually planning on finding him I should add, I just felt like some exercise. For some reason I took a side trip past the old river court. Why did I go that way? I wish I knew the answer to that girlie, I really do. I guess I just wanted to go back to a time when everything made complete sense, where I was comfortable and safe y'know. There's something about that old court that just makes me feel protected. It was where everything changed for me all those years ago, where Luke beat Nate in that one-on-one game and where he came into my life properly instead of just sitting on the sidelines where he had been for so long. Where I realised I loved him and where I left him messages at some of the darkest times in our relationship. And where I lost him to Lindsay. It means a lot that old piece of blacktop, not only to me but in a way to all 5 of us who grew up in Tree Hill and suffered through what we did. It became then a place where we could escape from the world for a little while and just BE. Be whatever we wanted to be or sometimes whoever we needed to be at that moment in time.

Ok ok I guess about now you're probably shaking your head at me and muttering to yourself "_will she ever get to the point_?" The answer to that is yes I will but just give me time here. It's hard enough trying to talk about this with anyone, let alone someone who doesn't really understand why this town means as much to me as it does, even after all these years away from it. Y'see even though I left for good reason, to protect myself from being broken apart again, this place is my home and always will be. Don't worry I'll give you your dosage of my pain soon enough. Just bear with me whilst I reminisce for a while will ya. Thanks, now where was I? Oh yes the river court.

Like I said I was out for a wander and decided to pass the river court and just check in with it. The last time I was here I left Luke one final message on the court before leaving town. I told him, not directly of course I was hurting too much for that, that I loved him and always would. I guess part of me wanted to see if that message was still there, obviously faded somewhat, but maybe some vestige of it remained. Because of where my apartment is now I came up on the court from the riverside rather than my usual route and as I walked up along the river edge I could hear the sound of a basketball bouncing. I guess part of me thought that it might have been just memories because I didn't look up until I reached the old bleachers. It wasn't just my memory playing tricks on me. It was Luke.

There's something else you should probably know about the river court Jenny. Although to me, Brooke and Nathan the court became a place of security in our junior year to Luke, and to a lesser extent Haley, it had been their safe place for years longer. Luke especially had spent years there, honing his game at times and at others just escaping from the rest of Tree Hill at a time when to everyone he was just Dan Scott's bastard son, a time when he was the strange loner, not the guy we all came to love for many reasons and in so many ways. I should have thought after seeing how thrown Luke was by me being back that night at Haley's, let alone how thrown he probably was by the loss of his children, that he probably spent a lot of time down on what, to him, was still the safest place he knew. The quietest place he could find especially with most of the old gang moved on to other places.

Seeing him there that day threw me for a moment. The funny thing was that the only thoughts running through my mind were "how dare he come here and ruin MY safe place" and "Christ he looks hot all sweaty like that". Two conflicting thoughts I'm sure you'll probably agree but in my defence he did look hot standing there. If I'd seen him like that a few years before I'd probably have jumped him before either of us could breathe but I was in a different place back then. A safer place. It was probably the first thought that made me snap at him the way I did instead of the more measured and calm manner I'd planned to use. Let that be a lesson to you by the way girlie, always think before you speak or else you WILL say something that you'll regret. I know your temper and I also know how easy it is to say something in temper that, in hindsight, you definitely shouldn't have said.

Anyway before I thought about it I snapped at him "_Where do you get off talking to my mom like you know her Luke. Just because you've lost your mom doesn't mean you can latch onto mine as some kind of sick replacement_." Like I said NOT the best way of starting a conversation with anyone especially someone who's only recently lost their entire family. It got worse though as I just couldn't control the verbal diarrhoea coming out of my mouth. "I _mean, seriously, can you not find someone else to talk to other than a corpse. Although I suppose you do have experience though right. I mean you've spent years talking to Keith so you must be used to talking to dead people by now. If it's that important for you to talk to someone talk to your own mom. At least now she won't be able to avoid any questions you ask of her will she_?"

Ok ok I know I should be really ashamed of myself shouldn't I? The poor guy had only lost his entire family less than two months ago. There's no realistic way I can justify what I said. I can only plead some kind of temporary insanity or massive brain fart ( I love that term it describes my actions so well) There is no other excuse and thankfully before I said much else I managed to realise that and stop myself. We stood there for a moment staring at each other, both in shock at what I'd said. Me from saying such hateful things and Luke from hearing them.

After a moment I dropped my gaze from his eyes and tried to bring my mind into enough coherence to offer some kind of apology. I knew I had to say something but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything to say that would make up for my appalling rant. Deciding that I'd been silent too long I looked up planning to just apologise and then leave before I made things worse only to see Luke collapsed back against the bleachers weeping. That image broke my heart more than anything else had ever done. In all the time I'd known Luke I'd rarely ever seen him cry, not even when he lost Keith or Jimmy can I remember him breaking down that badly. It hurt me watching that and I had to try to help. I mean wouldn't you try to help someone who was crying? Silly question there, I know you would, you've been raised well by me despite interference from your mom and dad (only joking Jenny, you wouldn't be who you are today without your dad)

I stumbled over towards Luke intending to try to comfort him, to try to get him to stop crying before I had a heart attack, let alone he did but when I reached his side he pushed me away. Guess I can't really blame him for that though can I? Dropping down on the bleachers at his side I stammered out an apology "_L-L-Luke, I'm s-s-or-r-y. I don't know why I said those things. I know that nothing I can say now is enough to make up for what I said but I need you to know I AM sorry, truly. I think I'm gonna go before I make things worse then I already have. Goodbye_." With that last plaintive phrase I stood and began walking away. I had no real destination in mind but I knew I had to leave because right now my presence was making things worse for Luke, not better. I'd reached the other side of the court when his voice broke through the conflicting voices in my head berating and praising me for what I'd said.

"_Wait Peyton, please_" Luke called after me quietly. I turned around slowly and stood there, my head hanging down as tears of shame began trickling down my cheeks. Probably guessing that I probably wasn't going to walk back towards him Luke pulled himself up and walked over to me. Surprisingly, even after all our time together he didn't say anything when he reached me he just pulled me into his arms and held my head against his chest as I cried horrified at what I'd said and who I'd become, even for those few moments, that I could say something like that to anyone let alone the man who knew how much I'd suffered losing Ellie.

After a few minutes of weeping, and soaking his shirt, I settled down enough to realise that Luke was speaking softly to me. "_I've been talking to your mom for about 9 years now Peyton. Ever since I realised you weren't coming back and it was my fault. Brooke told me what I said to you the night I lost control of things and by the time I'd realised how much you really meant to me you'd left. I started going over to your mom's grave, when I visited Keith's, just to ask her to watch over you wherever you were and bring you back one day if she could. Over the years I took to talking to her the same way I used to talk you when we were hanging out in your room, or at the beach that summer between junior and senior year. She was the closest thing to you I could find and even when Brooke swung into town to tell us she'd found you and where you were I knew that talking to your mom was the closest I was going to get to talking to you until you chose to return. After a while it felt weird talking to her and calling her Mrs Sawyer so I just started calling her Anna. Things weren't exactly great between my mom and I for a while after I found out the twins weren't exactly mine and Anna became a great person to talk to. She never exactly answered me back but talking to her helped me learn to listen to myself for answers and not fight what my head and heart were saying._"

As I listened to Luke talk I realised that he was still holding onto me and his hands were gently stroking my hair just like he used to back when were in high school. It felt great to be supported like that and when he started to pull away I REALLY wanted to try to hold onto him but it wasn't the right time for that. As he let go I looked up to meet his eyes looking down at me and realised that even after all these years I still loved him. Of course I wasn't stupid enough to declare THAT at that point but I did find myself asking him could we go for a coffee and talk as I had some things I had to show him...and to explain about.

He smiled down at me and replied "_I'd love to Peyt_ (that old nickname still makes me shiver, good shivers though) _but not just now. I really should go meet Hales. Rain-check_?" before walking away towards his car. "_By the way_" he called over his shoulder as he climbed in "_I lied before. I do still need you_."

For a second I was confused by that then I remembered what he'd said at the wake after Karen's funeral _"__sorry to disappoint you Peyt, but I don't need you to pick me up off the floor"_ I smiled gently to myself and turned to continue my interrupted walk into town.

Arriving in the town centre I paused briefly as I thought about where to go. I decided to take a quick side-trip over to the local office of our label (mine and your mom's label) to check in with what was going on. After a brief review of the latest news and a chat with your mom (did she tell you I called?)I headed out planning on heading over to the waterfront to grab some lunch when I ran into Nate. Literally ran into Nate I mean. I bounced off his chest so hard that I found myself sitting on the sidewalk wandering what happened. I know it sounds like something from a bad Hollywood chick flick but it really did happen that way.

Looking up, my shock turned to amusement as I caught the flash of laughter in his eyes as he reached down to pull me to my feet. I punched his arm lightly and joked "_Jeez Scott. Are you ever going to lose those muscles? A girl could hurt herself walking into you_" It was only as I finished speaking that I realized that I was speaking to Nate as if I'd never left town, as if we were still very good friends. Thankfully he laughed and replied "_Only you could hurt yourself Sawyer. Every other girl I know isn't as scrawny as you are_."

"_Yeah but most of the girls YOU know aren't ex cheerleaders and used to eating very little so they can stay in their uniforms_." I smiled up at him (whats with those two Scott boys being so tall by the way. A girl could get a crick in her neck looking up at them all the time) not realising until that moment just how much I had missed joking with him. We smiled at each other for a few moments before he shook his head and said "_Still sarcastic then Sawyer I see. So I'm glad I found you. Hales wanted me to ask you to dinner tonight. Actually I think what she said we'd better ask you because you'll probably show up anyway invited or not... so I came looking for you. Around 7 ok by you_?"

I could only nod, and barely even that, as Nate smiled and walked off down the sidewalk towards his car waving quickly as he did so. For the first time since I'd returned to Tree Hill and into the lives of my oldest friends I felt at home. Nathan was treating me as if I'd never left, Luke was allowing me back in and Haley had already forgiven me (I think). Maybe this move is going to work out after all.

So there we have it Jenny. That's how my week's went. I'd have made it a longer letter but I've a dinner to get ready for and this time I'm not as nervous as the last dinner I joined at the Scott's. I've decided I'm not going to go too overboard on the dressing up in case Luke is there. I'm still going to look good but not TOO good. Don't want him thinking I'm pining too much do I? By the way thats a good wee lesson for you Jen, ALWAYS keep them guessing. Never allow any boy you've got your eye on to be in charge ALL the time. Keep them guessing and on tenterhooks and you'll find they tend to be way more attentive towards you. Plus it's kinda fun messing with their heads. If you haven't tried it yet I really recommend it. Ask your mom for advice if you want to know how to twist someone around your little finger. And if you want to know if it works, just look at your dad and you'll get your answer.

Speak to you soon Girlie.

Peyton.

P.S. you can write back if you want. I'd like that.

**So there is the next instalment for you. Thank you to all those who reviewed the last chapter and those of you who answered my question about Brooke really helped. Well I hope you all enjoy this chapter and as always I'm eagerly waiting on any reviews I get. BTW I'm going to be away for a fortnight or so in New York but I'll try to write a little of the next chapter while I'm away and upload it when I get back. Bye for now.**

**Lee**


	5. one step forwards one step back

Disclaimer: - sadly I don't own anything in Tree hill.

Hey Jenny Girl, I'm back. Sorry it's been a while but, well I've been a little busy recently. There's been a fair bit going on in my life up here and you know that I get forgetful when I'm busy.

So where was I the last time I wrote to you. I think I remember telling you that I'd actually been invited over to Nate and Haley's place for dinner, note they invited me this time instead of me actually turning up. Nice of them huh? I thought so anyways. Did I tell you I was going to dress smartly in case Luke turned up, not too smartly as I don't want him to read too much into thing but smartly nonetheless. I did tell you that right. Thought so. Ok I think I remember where my life was the last time we spoke so here is what's been happening since then.

I headed over to Haley's for dinner that night actually slightly nervous. I told you that me and Nate had been joking around like old times didn't I? Good then maybe you'll understand why I was a little nervous about the dinner. I mean me and him were starting to get back to the kind of friendship we had once had and you know what I'm like for putting my foot in it. Simply put I didn't want my big mouth to get in the way and end up ruining the friendship again before it had had a chance to resume properly.

I got over there about half six, a little earlier than they had told me to come over I know but I was kind of eager to spend some time with them both. Just as I was pulling up in their driveway Jamie came out of the front door with his face like thunder. (I love that old phrase it's yet another phrase that perfectly describes how things are for someone don't you agree girlie) He saw me pulling up and smiled tightly before diving into the garage and coming out with a motor bike he roared off down the street. I froze for a second as you can imagine maybe it wasn't the best time to go in because it kinda looked like there had been some kind of argument but well I was there now and it'd probably look weird if I sat in my car or drove off now.

As I went to knock on the door Nate opened it looking slightly angry although (thankfully) his expression changed when he realised it was me standing there. "_I see your timekeeping's still as inconsistent as ever Sawyer. Early sometimes and late others, you never change_"

Ok I ask you is that fair? I mean I'm not exactly Mrs punctual but am I really that inconsistent about when I arrive for something? Actually don't answer that question Jenny, I reckon I might not like the answer all that much. Have you ever noticed that about people they never seem to like hearing negative things about themselves that jar with how they see themselves? It's kinda like…Ok I'll get off my soapbox now will I? I'm beginning to sound like your dad does when he knows he's right about something and that ain't a pretty thought is it? Now where was I…Oh yeah just about to slap Nate for his comment. Back to the story.

I leant back slightly and quirked an eyebrow at him not entirely sure whether to hit him for calling me inconsistent (I know right me…inconsistent…the nerve!) or hug him for being almost the old Nate around me. In the end I went with a bit of both. I hugged him with a "_Good to see you too Nate_" and then slapped him in the back of the head as I walked past him into the house. A classic move I know but it's still kinda fun to do to someone and even more fun to do to Nate as he's so easy to confuse sometimes. I glanced over my shoulder as I took of my jacket to see his reaction and, surprise surprise, he was still standing at the door looking after me and rubbing the back of head ruefully. When he saw me looking he smiled and shaking his head, closed the door and walked towards me down the hall. As he passed me heading for the dining room I heard him muttering to himself "_Even after ten years I still make that old mistake. Guess she hasn't changed all that much after all_. _Good to know._" It actually made me smile to know that, although he was obviously older, he was still the same Nathan Scott I'd grown up around, dated, dumped and become very close friends with.

After that the rest of the dinner went surprisingly well. The three of us chatted like we'd never been apart. I caught up on all that had happened to them over the years and they grilled me on what I had been up to. Thankfully the subject of why I left never actually came up although I think both of them knew my reasons or at least the major one anyways. We drank, we gossiped, we hung out. In a strange way it was like some of the nights we used to have back in high school when they were living out in that old apartment. It was just pure free fun. I think I enjoyed that night more than I had any other night for a while, at least since I read the article that sparked the epiphany that led to this trip back home. The only subjects that didn't come up were why James had left in a bad mood (not my business) why I'd never tried to keep in touch (too painful for all of us) and Lucas (see previous comment).

I left after that dinner feeling that if I decided to stay in Tree Hill indefinitely then my friendship with Naley was back on track and if I left then it would be easier to keep in touch with those two. I may have said this before but there's just something soothing about the two of them that makes anyone feel better about themselves and their lives just by being in their presence. It's kinda nice actually, depressing if you're single but generally kinda nice.

Dumb thing though was that even after drinking a dozen or so glasses of wine I got back into my car and tried to drive back to my apartment. Please don't say what I guess you're thinking right now because believe me you can't be any madder at me than I am at myself. My only excuse is I just didn't think about it y'know. I'd drove over there and I was going to drive back. It was only when the blue lights of the cop car in my mirror came on that I realised just how stupid I'd been. Unsurprisingly he took me in to the station and put me into the cells to sober up.

The cop told me that if there was anyone who could come pick me up, and pay my fine then I could go otherwise I was going to have spend the night there. Problem was I couldn't think of any phone numbers of people in Tree Hill who could collect me. I knew Nate and Haley wouldn't be able to, after all they had drunk more then I had, and for the life of me I just couldn't remember any of the numbers of people who might be able to help me. After a couple of blank moments a number finally surfaced through the alcohol mist on my brain. I almost sent it straight back down again when I realised just whose number it was but I REALLY didn't want to spend the night in the cells. I called the number, my fingers pushing the buttons with some trepidation, half of me hoping it was going to ring out and half of me hoping it wouldn't.

"_Hello_?" Came a soft voice down the phone line as the phone was picked up on the third ring "_Hello, is there anyone there? Guess not…huh_." it was only at that point that I managed to shake the spell the voice had cast over me in my drunken state and I managed to speak.

"_Luke_?" I almost whispered (don't tell me that you didn't see that one coming Jenny. A blind man could see that train coming) "_Luke I need some help. I'm down at the police station and I didn't know who to call. Can you come…please_?" I waited breathlessly for his answer not entirely sure if I wanted him to come or to hang up. A great swell of relief welled up inside me when he simply said "_on my way_." and hung up the phone.

Ok I know I should never have had a drink as I was driving (BTW never let me catch you doing it Jen. I messed up but you had better NEVER use that as an excuse!) and I really should never have called Luke but like I said his was the only number that I could actually remember, well him and the number for dominoes pizza but I don't think they could have helped me much. I sat in the cells waiting patiently for him to arrive not entirely sure if once he found out he wouldn't just turn and walk away but desperately hoping he wouldn't.

The cop who'd picked me up came into the cell and called me through saying someone had paid my fine and I was free to go for now but that he'd better never see me behind the wheel drunk again. I walked out of the cells my head down as the effect of the alcohol started to fully wear off and the reality of just how DUMB I'd been began to kick in. Luke stood waiting for me with arms folded and leaning against the wall. I looked up at his face dreading what I would see there, knowing that he was probably going to be VERY pissed at me for being so stupid.

Luke smiled down at me casually but I could see in his face and eyes that he was itching to get me alone so he could really tear a strip of me for making such a mistake. He nodded politely at the cop and taking my arm almost dragged me out of the police station and down to his car. He lead me at a walk that barely deserved the name it was that close to a run and I could feel his anger by the tension in his fingers. Damn he was pissed. Who did he think he was! I mean I know I messed up Jen but who was this guy, a guy I'd not seen for a little over a decade until recently, to be this pissed at me.

As he climbed into the driver's side after pushing me into the passenger seat I waited tensely for his first words, ready to defend myself (or at least fight back) but yet again he surprised me. "_Anna would be so disappointed with you now Peyt" _he stated as he pulled out of the car park. "_She died after jumping a red light and being hit by another car. How do you think she'd feel right now if you'd done the same or worse if you'd died huh? You should think about that for a while. Lecture over… for now. Where can I drop you?_" He glanced over at me briefly before returning his gaze to the road but even in that brief flash of his eyes I realized that his anger wasn't gone it was just buried and if I said anything then it would flare up. For once I decided to follow the old saying discretion is the better part of valour and clammed up. The only thing I said was to give him my address before I leant my aching head on the nice and cool window. It helped a little but Luke's words reverberated through my head constantly reminding me just how dumb you have to be to drink and drive.

As we pulled up outside my apartment the anger and shame finally broke my walls and I collapsed with the burning tears of shame flowing down my cheeks as my shoulders shook. Luke, bless him, just sat there whilst the worst of my breakdown passed. He then simply got out of the car, opened my door and scooping me up in his arms carried me over to my apartment door and took me inside gently depositing me on the bed. By that point though I was too lost in my usual post-drinking phase of regrets and tears and didn't realise exactly what he'd done before I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, still fully clothed including my jacket and boots with this drumming noise reverberating through my skull. Without opening my eyes I reached out to turn the alarm off and my hand knocked into something that clinked. Cracking my eyelids open I looked over and saw a bottle of water and a little side dish with some painkillers on it. Confused by that I sat up (Bad idea that one BTW Jen!), immediately regretting it and looked around my room. From out in the main apartment I could hear the sound of someone snoring gently and wincing I took my boots off and went to see who it was.

Coming into the lounge I saw Luke lying there on the couch sleeping and that brought all the memories of last night flooding back. As I froze at the memories Luke woke up and stretching sinuously glanced up at me. Half-smiling he sat up and asked how my head was. I think the look on my face must have given away how bad I felt because he laughed and said "_Go and grab a shower. Trust me, it'll help, I know! I'll stick some coffee on for us both. We need to talk Peyton…now_" As he said that last bit he glanced over at the table and following his eyes I realised what was there. My red box, it's contents strewn across the table for all to see. I shuddered before doing as he'd suggested and heading for my room to grab some clothes.

After a long shower I felt braver and ready to face him and the questions he was bound to have both about last night and about what he'd looked through. With some trepidation I looked into my mirror and tried to prepare myself for whatever came. I opened the door to my room and walked into the lounge to find Luke wasn't there but all the stuff from my box was tidied up and the box sitting in the centre of the table. There was a note lying on top of the box addressed to me. All it said was

"_Sorry Peyton. I know we need to talk but something's come up with Lils. I have to run. Rain-check? How about you come over for coffee tomorrow or we can meet in town if you'd prefer. Give me a call later on. Gotta run. I'll be seeing you. Lucas. P.S. Coffee's in the pot_."

I'll tell you something Jenny girl. I've never felt such relief at avoiding talking to someone but I'd still have to talk to him soon. I called Luke quickly to arrange what time I should come over but only got the machine. I left a quick message saying I'd be over at about noon and if this was a problem then he should call me back and reschedule.

Listen Jen I'll write to you again soon but I'm just about out of paper so I reckon I'll just post this bit too you and pick up some paper on my way home tonight ok? I promise I'll have the next letter on it's way to you by the end of tomorrow at the latest (and if you've already gotten it then TOLD YOU SO!!). Bye for now Jen.

Peyt

**A/N So there we have it the next chapter. Short i know well shorter than the others but i only got back from holiday a couple of days back. I promise i'll have the next chapter up before the weekend at the latest. If you like what you read or even if you don't please click that little button below. Thanks. Lee**


	6. Returning home

Hey Jenny

**A/N Sadly I don't own anything in tree hill or anything to do with it. If I did then Q would never have been shot.**

Hey Jenny.

So I found some more paper and finally found some more time to finish off the letter I started last time. Did this one come in before the first one? If so then I really apologise for any confusion I may've caused but you know me…nothing's ever simple is it?

So where did I leave things…oh yeah that's right I left a message on Luke's machine saying I'd be over at around about noon and that we really needed to talk to each other. I guess I knew leaving that message that I'd finally have to tell him everything but for the first time in years that wasn't a scary thought. Huh guess I'm maybe growing up after all. Ok you can lift your jaw off the floor Jenny-girl. Even I can grow up sometimes despite what your dad says!

Luke hadn't called me back by the time I left the flat so I wasn't exactly sure if he'd be there when I got over to his but I wasn't going to call him again to try to find out. It was time to talk to him properly, without anything getting in our way hopefully. It's funny how things conspire to help and hinder you when you finally decide to do something you've been putting off for a while.

For the first time since I returned to Tree Hill I headed off to meet up with an old friend without my head throwing dozens of mixed messages at me or trying to confuse me about what I was doing. I left my little apartment at about half-eleven and firstly headed for my car before remembering just how much I had had to drink last night and thinking that maybe it would be a better idea to leave the car behind this time just in case there was any more alcohol still floating through my system. If only I'd thought of that last night then maybe I wouldn't have to be doing this now because there was no way that Luke would have come over to my place last night if I hadn't been drunk and there was definitely no way that Luke would have found my old box if I hadn't been so drunk as to collapse and fall asleep instantly on hitting the pillow. Of course saying that if I hadn't gotten drunk last night then maybe I wouldn't have been as calm about going over to see Luke this morning as I am. Funny that huh. Guess sometimes drinking too much can have a longer lasting after-effect that is actually positive…or maybe I'm just talking crap here.

You'd let me know if I was talking crap though wouldn't you Jen? Then again knowing who your dad is maybe you wouldn't…you do seem to have picked up his sometimes inconsistent sense of humour. And yes you can tell him I said that. I always did like to give him something to grumble at me about every day…It keeps him happy as I'm sure you'll probably agree huh? Anyways back to the subject.

I decided to walk over to his place thinking that the walk would both help focus my mind totally and also would help make sure I didn't get arrested for drink driving again. As nice as Tree Hill's finest are I really don't want to be seeing them again too quickly. The walk over to Luke's house seemed somehow both longer and also shorter than it's ever been even before. Longer because I was carrying the box that had lead to having to have this talk and somehow shorter because, well have you ever noticed that when you know you are about to do something you are worried about time seems to fly by so fast it's somehow scary. Ok I know I'm rambling again here. I'll try to keep it under control if I can but it ain't always that easy y'know.

Arriving at Luke's house I took a moment to remember all the stuff that had happened at this place from my first confession to Luke of how much I loved him before realising that he had hooked up with Brooke right up to the last time I was here when I saw that he had proposed to Lindsay. A lot of memories are tied up in that house for me and in a way for all of us including your dad as well I suppose. Karen always kept the house in such good condition it was actually kind of shocking to see weeds starting to come through in patches in the garden and on the path and see that some of the paint was slightly peeling on the porch rail. With Karen gone the old house was starting to show it's age a bit. I guess Luke must have been finding it hard to deal with everything a little because normally he would probably have managed to keep up with all those little tasks. Dealing with everything to do with the Funerals both here and in New York, Lily's own injuries and recovery and his own injuries (if he has any…I never actually asked about that. Guess maybe I should have huh? Anyways seeing his place reminded me of his comment a while back…. **"**_**By the way**_**" he called over his shoulder as he climbed in "**_**I lied before. I do still need you**_**."** and I really hoped he meant for more than just reminding him to clean up the house once in a while.

I knocked on the door and happily after a few moments it was opened by Lily. Now there's a girl I would really like you to meet one day Jen, I think you and her would really get on. Ok so I know I haven't seen her all that much but everything I remember and everything that Jamie and Haley have told me about her kind gives me the impression that you two would get on like a house on fire. Lily smiled at me and said quietly "_Hey Peyton you're here to see Luke right? My brothers just in the shower. He shouldn't be to long unless you want to join him of course_." She smirked mischievously as my jaw fell at her comment. "_Jamie told me about your history and I guess I figured I'd offer you two the chance to kiss and make up before any fighting started. Anyway I'm headed out to meet Jamie so I'll probably see you later. I'm not going to let Luke know you're here…his reaction when he sees you as he comes out of the shower will be funnier that way. Please can you try and describe it to me sometime I enjoy a good laugh at his expense. It keeps him on his toes_." She laughed as she limped off down the pathway towards Jamie's Bike which had just pulled up to the sidewalk.

By the way that's the other reason I think you'd get on with Lily Jenny-girl that damn annoying sarcastically sleazy sense of humour you both appear to have in spades. And that's not exactly a compliment y'know.

I've gotta say though, Lily was right about one thing, Luke's reaction when he walked out of the shower towards his room and saw me sitting in the kitchen was a absolute picture. How can I describe it? Ok well you remember in that old movie Shrek when the ogre and the donkey see the princess rip a piece of bark off the tree to use as a door? Take the expressions of shock off both faces and put them together and you come pretty close to his face. If he hadn't been holding very tightly to his towel he would probably have dropped that also (not necessarily a bad thing mind you. He always did fill his shorts out nicely. Mmm pause for thought…Ok back to work now) but he just about managed to retain control of it.(Shame!)

"_What's up Luke? I told you I'd be over today to see you around noon. Did you forget I was coming over_?" I smiled at him, enjoying seeing him on the back foot for the first time today. Ok so I know it was a little unfair as he had been in the right earlier but sometimes if petty revenge is all you can get it feels pretty good.

He looked totally confused by my comment and dived into his room. Coming out a few minutes later he looked at me and asked quietly "_What did you mean did I forget you were coming over? I thought we weren't going to meet up until tomorrow sometime. When did you tell me about this?_" As he spoke he wandered over to the countertop and started preparing a cup of coffee for us both. Despite it being over a decade since he'd last made coffee for me he still managed top prepare it exactly how I like it without having to ask. As I watched him move about the kitchen it finally clicked exactly what he had said a moment ago, he really hadn't known I was coming over. How was that possibl…Ok so I know you've probably figured it out by now Jen but my brain was a little slow that day. I blame the hangover. Lily must've erased the message although I couldn't figure out why she had done that especially as on the odd occasion we had run into each other we'd gotten on well. Surely she hadn't deleted it just so maybe Luke would go out and miss me dropping by and I'd end up hating him again and then leave tow..

"_Peyt? Where's your head at Peyton_?" Luke's voice snapped me out my rapidly spiralling thoughts. As I surfaced from the brief haze I remembered that Lily had been great with me at the door and figured that she had done this just so she could freak out Luke. His next words kinda backed up this guess. "_Let me guess. You left a message telling me what time you would be over today and asking me to call if I didn't want to see you. Yeah thought so. I'm really going to have to talk to Lily about this. Again. This is the fifth time this month she's done this. What kinda kick does she get out of embarrassing me I wonder_?" He mused, his words trailing off into silence as he finished speaking, before looking at me and handing me my coffee. One sip of it showed me just how well he had listened to his mom's advice about making coffee. That coffee was gooooooood!

I thanked him and paused wondering exactly how to start speaking. After a moment or so I decided to start the conversation with the real reason why I'd come over instead of some dumb, inane pleasantries. I gently placed the mug down onto the coaster Luke had tossed across the table at me before reaching down to my feet and picking up the box lying at my feet. I watched Luke's face as I brought it up and the quick flash of confusion I saw in his eyes told me that although he had looked through the box he was still a little confused about it. Guess it was really time for those explanations.

"_I know you want an explanation as to why I've got all this stuff Luke but bear with me as it might be a bit hard for you to hear, let alone understand fully_." I paused briefly wondering exactly where to start before continuing, "_You remember the last time we spoke before I took off? You told me you hated me and that I'd ruined your life by coming back. I didn't exactly like you all that much right then due to the whole '__**I do'**__ thing but I never wanted to see you hurt. When you told me that I thought if I left town then maybe you could get your life back in order. So I left, mostly for that reason. Yeah you hurt me by saying what you did and that was also part of the reason why I left but mostly it was because I wanted to give you the chance to be happy. Up until I left I hadn't spent much time with my art work since I'd returned to Tree Hill. I'd been so busy with the label (as you should remember) that I hadn't really drawn much of anything. After I left though I thought of you every day for weeks and sketching helped me cope. It gave that brief moment of clarity I'd always wanted to draw, you remember me saying that? After I finished a picture I would put it away in a box, I couldn't bear to destroy them. A few months after I finally got settled in Savannah your mom got in touch with me, asking me if I was ever going to come back? I told her no, obviously. She decided to keep sending me stuff, the letters you see here, copies of your books, photos. Basically most of what you see here. She also came down to see me a while back and did her best to get me to come up here again. I refused then telling her that with Lindsay on the scene I wasn't coming up unless I knew YOU wanted me to. She told me that she was going to ask you about it at Lily's party but I guess well you know what happened there_." I looked up at him sadly both of us lost briefly in memory of Karen before I continued "_the other pictures, of you at your book signings, I took those. You see despite you telling me you hated me really hurting I wasn't fully ready to give up on you. I used to trawl the literary papers looking for when the next tour was on and slip in quietly, never staying, never speaking, just taking every snapshot of you I could to help me continue to breathe. I never abandoned you Luke. I just pulled away. Coming up here for Karen's funeral and hearing the speech you made told me that I'd made a mistake all those years ago by not getting back in touch sooner. That's why I came back. You once told Brooke you kept your __**'Peyton box'**__ to remind you of what a mistake you'd made, well then I guess you can understand why I kept all this stuff."_

As I came to the end of that little speech I was suddenly aware of two things. The first being that tears were streaming down my cheeks and the second being that Luke had stood up and was standing inches away from me with his arms around me. How had I missed him doing that? I sank into his chest gratefully and we just held each other for a few moments before he pulled back and wiped my cheeks tenderly.

"_It wasn't the pictures, or the letters, or any of that stuff that I wanted to talk about Peyt_" He whispered, looking down into my face, so close I could feel his breath on my cheeks with every word he spoke. "_It was this note. Why did you write and yet never leave it?_" he questioned as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, folded tightly into a square. As he opened it up I recognised the words scrawled across it and my heart jumped into my mouth.

………………………………………………………………………………….

Luke,

I have to go now. Last night you told me you wished I'd never come back to Tree Hill and I realise now that I should never have come back. It's only caused you more pain. Mia once told me that when people are drunk that's when they speak the truth most so I'm taking what you said as that. I hope by leaving that I'm going to make your life better, make it easier for you to follow your heart wherever it may lead. If it leads to Lindsay then great, I hope you'll be happy together. If it leads to me then you'll find me where my car once broke down, where we first really spoke. I'll be there tomorrow and the next day but after that I'll be gone. Forever. Goodbye Luke and good luck. Remember, whether you ever feel the same again, I'm going to love you forever.

Peyton

...

The words I'd once wrote on a sheet of paper and left on his side table jumped out at me as fresh in my mind as if I'd wrote them only moments ago instead of over ten years ago.

"_I did leave the note Luke. I left it on your desk for you to see when you woke up. Karen found it 6 months later when she was looking through your desk for something or other. It'd fallen behind one of your draws and gotten stuck. She sent it down to me with a note explaining why I'd not come to you that day. I'd have come back then if only to see where your heart was if she hadn't told me about your kids in the same letter. That was the day I decided to start getting my own life back in some semblance of order again_." I pushed him away from me and standing began packing my box up again. "_If I had left it what would you have done do you think. Would you have come after me and tried to stop me going because you really loved me? Or would you have done your usual and tried to keep me here by telling me how much you valued my friendship?_" I glanced over at Lucas as I continued to gather my stuff from where I must've chucked it across the table while I ranted earlier.

I walked over to the door and glanced back over my shoulder. Lucas was still leaning against the table looking shell-shocked. "_goodbye Luke. I'll be seeing ya_." As I said that I turned back to the door and pulled it open.

"_Wait…Please_." He near whispered as I started to walk through the door. "_I can't lose you again so just stay…please? With me. I never stopped either_."

My heart sang as I heard that backhanded declaration of love Jen. I know that sounds crazy but when it happens to you you'll know what I mean. I turned back into the room and, dropping the box, flew into his arms. Flew home. At last.

That's where I'm going to end things for now Jen. I'm sorry but I've got things I really have to do just now. I'll tell you more soon.

Bye for now.

P

**A/N so there you have it. Again sorry for the delay but life gets in the way of what I want to do sometimes. This story's almost done but reviews are definitely wanted so please hit that little button below and tell me what you think, even if you hate it. Thanks for reading. Lee**


End file.
